Military Footage Porn

Today was a great day on FOXNews. I got to watch it all day since that’s the channel my boss likes (the same boss who said Ann Coulter was a little biased sometimes but that her book on how to argue with a liberal seemed “interesting”).

It was a wannabe, chickenhawk jerkathon. Continuous footage of Israelis lining up for a ground offensive into Lebanon. Tanned, athletic-looking Israeli youths tending to their personal weapons, vehicles, and classic military olive green khakis. Oh God…it feels so good! Vacationing journalists on top of hills or in groves marveling at the ground-shuddering artillery rounds slamming into distant hills. Mmm, yeah, take it from behind baby…! Merkava tank stock footage rolling through the streets. You know you love it like that! Competent Israeli military men loading bombs onto fighter jets or firing automatic machine guns. OH GOD FAPPING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT! Fancy schematics of the awesome military capability of Israel with its 3,650 tanks, 1,700 pieces of artillery, and 3,000 reserves being called up if needed (NNNGGHGHHHHHHHH!!!!!) for what started as an incursion to return kidnapped soldiers. (you’re ruining the moment…shut up and kiss me, you fool)

These soldiers kidnapped because of a completely unprovoked response from Hamas and Hezballah. Com. Plee. Tlee. Un. Proh. Voked.

Meanwhile FOXNews’ most loyal followers had their pants around their ankles fapping and slicking away.

In order to avoid from feeling TOO dirty about masturbating to military maneuver porn, clips were thrown in of beautiful Haifa panoramas and crying Israelis and disturbing air raid sirens to show how dangerous it was in Israel. Rockets raining down upon sleepy coastal towns. Oh the humanity! Throw in some clips and quotes from angry, unrepentant Hizzballuhhhhhhh representatives for good measure.

Up against an alien opponent that will wipe out Israel if only it is appeased enough by diplomats and the United Nations. If we could only understand what these vile, evil creatures want! All we’ve given them is love and peace and this is how they repay us?

(If you tune in late at night to our after-hours risque sister station, you’ll see the “surgical” strikes on Lebanon that totalled whole buildings and mangled bodies of adults and children alike! Also watch our heart-warming montage of refugees streaming across to other Middle Eastern countries! It’s like Darfur, the Sudan, and Eritrea, all rolled up into one! Oh I’m getting hard again…)

Next up on the Military Footage Porn Channel: hope and justification lie just over the borders, in the capitals of Syria and Iran. Once we roll all up in there, toppling those corrupt, evil governments, we will find a treasure trove of evidence for all the bad things we’ve suspected they were guilty of. The ends justify the means. You’ll see. We just have to get there first. Have faith. Salvation will come. It will all make sense to you in the end. Too bad you’re not cleared to know what we know now, or you wouldn’t complain.

Chickenhawkery

The chickenhawk attack, employed by the left, is a reasonable one in my opinion. Chickenhawks counter weakly and academically to the charge they should enlist in the military if they believe in war that the military should remain civilian-controlled, and that the left wing uses the chickenhawk attack to argue for military-controlled leadership. No, it just stipulates that if you really believe this to be a war for our survival, then you should at least consider enlisting to fight. If it’s THAT important, it’s a life-or-death matter and you should want to sacrifice yourself for the greater good.

The Executive is granted (with what Bush has shown to be preposterous loopholes) emergency powers for war, but the Legislative branch actually authorizes it. Generally everything else about war is handled by the top generals. Or at least, it would make sense for it to. In our current system, the warmongering is done by the cabinet. The top generals are just taken along for a ride, to have a fancy uniform to make it look more official.

Saying that leftists want a despotic government run by the military is a straw man. This argument lacks any coherency. Seeing how most in the military are actively and consistently conservative or right-wing, it would make little sense to argue that it would take enlisting to realize the folly of conservatism. No, I think they just want to push Americans to a higher standard — one so fantastic as having Americans who actually participate meaningfully in public affairs.

Another counter by chickenhawks like Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, et al is that smearing someone with the term “chickenhawk” is just an attempt to stifle debate. Liberal infallibility. Guffaw. No, it’s just a recognition that the biggest chickenhawks have little bite to go with their barks. Believe in something? Prove it through action. Want change? Do something about it. Want war? GO FIGHT. While not everyone can speak from experience, everyone should at least speak from ANY experience. Some of these jokers are just talking heads and they know it.

“Oh, I could never do the stuff that soldiers do…” Believe me, there are a lot of broke-ass dumb soldiers, and a lot are backwards hicks, so you’d be able to pass on a lot of your racist, warmongering rhetoric. And the physical part of it? Well, it’s good for you. It takes practice, but anyone could do it. And everyone would be perfectly willing to help.

That whole “debate-stifling” pitch is used with reckless abandon. It demonstrates a lack of understanding of freedom of speech. Wherein its strength lies in having the freedom to say what you want that is important, but instead it’s the uniformity of group thought that’s key to the right wing agenda.

If the USA is so 100% correct, then how could you disagree with it at all unless you were un-American? There should be nothing to argue about!

In ten to twenty years, when all these veterans who have been created by Operation Enduring Freedom come of senatorial and political age, there will be plenty of representatives from both sides touting their military experience. It will be nothing new. It may even be fashionable to not have military experience.

The only thing that can really be guaranteed, and this is the point of using the chickenhawk strategy, is that the discussion around the rationale, planning, execution, and philosophy of war will be discussed in more accurate, informed terms. Considering the latest admission that one of the left’s greatest flaws has been to let the right hijack the meaning of words, this would seem to be a more promising end to what right now is, as they say, a god damn clusterfuck.

Which, coincidentally, is what will be on FOXNews tonight, featuring several FOXNews talking heads in an all-out orgy, as they beat off to a mash-up of John Bolton’s braying UN soundbites of the week.

A final nail in the coffin: okay, not everyone is a military expert. Besides, the tactics and strategies of war have nothing to do with whether the war was justified or not. Fair enough, it’s a foreign policy issue. Too bad the chickenhawks don’t have a clue about foreign policy either, still ignorant of world affairs and Muslim politics and culture after a decade in the game. I mean, come on guys. What DO you know about? Besides primaries, propagandizing, and mudslinging?

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