I Want to Be a Sellout

Well, my deployment in Iraq has almost come to a close. Soon I will return to the States and re-integrate myself into the normal world, free from T-barriers and uniform postures and recurring non-descript Groundhog Days that all blend into one another.

So you know what this means, right? Yes, it means I can go see my family, and most excitingly, I can travel to see my radiant girlfriend soon. But no, casual reader, what I’m referring to is actually much greater, more important to my future: it’s time to sell the fuck out!

That’s right! This bitch is cashing in. The market is hot for stuff made by honest-to-God soldiers who went to Iraq. Be a part of Operation Iraqi Freedom! Appear pro-war, intellectually adventurous, and supportive of the troops!

Most soldiers have come home and released one book full of boring non-adventures at a low-low price of 30$. Hell, “Jarhead”, a book about not-war, even got made into a movie with big-name actors!

I’m a writer, where’s my product? Where are my magazine articles? Where are my edgy communiques sent up to the newspaper articles seeking to report on the mythical “ground truth” their readers talk so much about?

So I’m releasing not one book, but in fact a trilogy! The working titles… Turner on Iraq: A Support Soldier’s Gritty Account of Hell, Turner on Islam: A Scholarly Look at the Conflict Within Islam and Emergence of Extremist Rhetoric, Turner on the Intelligence Community: Sweeping Reforms and Witch-Hunting the Liars Within.

An excerpt from Turner on Iraq: A Support Soldier’s Gritty Account of Hell…

“His squad tensed with ambivalence, unsettledness, and lack of certainty. Each readied to pounce, waiting for the perfect opportunity to make his move. Steely-eyed glares honed in expertly on the target. “Shit!” one exclaimed, as a blast of noise erupted in front of them. The squad leader, a barrel-chested veteran sergeant of modern war exhorted, “Fucking move in, goddammit!” as his troops hesitated, if only for tenths of a second. “Turn down the motherfucking volume on that TV NOW! Our satellite must’ve gone out again!” Today, there would be no more Everybody Loves Raymond. The troops dug in for the night, with only unlimited bags of microwave popcorn, plastic cereal containers from the DFAC, and Red Vines to sustain them throughout the rest of the cold winter night spent inside the building with three heaters running full-blast. This was Hell. Sunnis and Shi’ites be damned, the real war continued on.”

I’ve spent half a year in Iraq and since then I’ve accumulated priceless experience and I want to let you, the reader, know about the TRUTH, the truth the media doesn’t let you know. Hey, don’t look over here! No one’s dying!! Security’s not loose! Electricity is online twenty-six hours a day! Look! Stuffed animals! Inked fingers! Cellphones!

But lest you think Ben Turner is only about soldiering and being a grunt and being in the shit, with not a care in the world while he rapes women and plunders villages and shoots babies, I’m also releasing a softer, gentler book entitled, “‘May I Cum on Your Pillow?’ and Other Romantic Short Stories”, featuring the critically acclaimed “I’ll Break UCMJ for You and Do It Doggy-Style, Honey”.

And music! Jamie Foxx may be an Academy Award-winning actor, but now he’s also a musician! Along with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Lindsey Lohan, and David Hasslehoff, Ben Turner is going into the studio and busting his chops to produce a thirteen-track album with his new rock group, Ben Turner and John Locke’s Invisible Band. This debut album features almost no musical talent, but knowledge of kufias and common Iraqi greetings will more than make up for it.

Finally, I was so inspired by his travels to Iraq, mingling with the Iraqis and really, really getting to know and understand their deep and ancient culture, that I’m going to be traveling to other locales across the globe, publishing his travel journals under the series name, “The Holy Shit Travel Guide to the Most Dangerous Places in the World”.

CHA-CHING! CAN YOU HEAR THOSE BENJAMINS? That’s the sound of greed, baby!!!!!!!!!

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